Heavy on hearts, and heavy on backs.

I had a massage today. 

It was awesome. I love massages. If I could get a massage every week I soooo would. But that would be wayy too much money (side note: I NEVER pay full price for a massage - that's why they invented Groupon!) I love getting massages from my friends too. In college, my roommate and I would have "massage time" a couple times a week and would take turns just massaging the crap out of each others neck and shoulders while we were watching TV. When I was in choir growing up, sometimes warm-up would include "turn to the right, massage your neighbor's back." This was my favorite warm-up.

There is a down side to getting a massage, ya know? At least for me. As soon as I do, I need another one soon after, like the very next day. My back/neck hurts, almost to the point where I can't do anything because it's screaming at me to have someone dig their elbow in and work on the knots. So it's like a "catch 22". I like the massage because it feels good. It's good pain to get the knots worked on. But part of me wants to stay away from them because I know it will just highlight all my problems and cause more pain and work and time and money to try to get all of the knots away, permanently.

I've struggled with back problems for many years. That's where I carry a lot of my stress. You've heard the phrase "carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders?" Well I know that phrase entirely too literally. I guess I just learn to live with it. Which is why I go through periods of needing a massage every day after just one, because it brings the pain to light, to going months without it, because I just bury it deep down and life goes on...



So today, it was a therapeutic massage at my chiropractor's office. Which I was excited about because I hoped she would work at the root of the problem and not just make it feel good for an hour.  Honestly I just wanted her to take a jack hammer and break down the knots this way. I feel like this would have been most effective. Unfortunately, no jack hammer. Not even a regular hammer. No. Instead, she had to press down on the muscle until it "releases."

So I'm laying there, and she's actually getting irritated at my back, because it has so many knots that aren't going away. I know lady. I'm messed up. I can hear her try to hide her irritation as she exclaims, "I don't know why it won't release for me. I'm being easy on it." I snicker to myself to give her some reaction, (really I don't like people talking to me when I'm getting massaged, just let me have an hour of peace!), and immediately the first thought that pops in to my head is "Don't take it personally. I do this to everyone."

Woa. Where did that come from self?

So for then the rest of the massage, I'm having this spiritual/mental metaphor of what's been happening in my life lately as I'm getting a massage.

When she said that sentence, there was almost a pleading sound, like "I'm doing my best, but it's just not getting though." And I know I've made other people think that same thing about me lately. They are trying to pour truth and love and friendship and goodness into my life, and there's something stubbornly not letting it get through.

In the past few weeks, I started going back to counseling. I've been to counseling a couple of times since I was little. I've always been an overly anxious person. Every couple of years, it goes through cycles and will get really bad, and I will seek help from someone smarter than myself to help me work through it. I don't remember much about counseling when I was young, and what I do remember, is that obviously the root of the anxiety or problems have never been addressed.

I absolutely adore the counselor I'm seeing now. Love her. I could go on and on about how awesome she is and what all I'm learning, but that's for me and not for the world.

(If you want a recommendation, let me know and I will pass on her info! And I do think everyone in the entire world would benefit from counseling. Everyone. The world would be such a happier place. Everyone has issues, and it makes me really sad that "going to a counselor" has such a negative stigma. I got my undergrad in Family Studies, with the intention of becoming a counselor later. I'm not embarrassed to say I see a counselor cause she's awesome and is helping me work through things I don't know how to other wise. I don't think people are stupid that have to use a dictionary, it's a tool at their disposal when they don't know how to spell something. And everyone in the world at some point uses a dictionary. So...case and point for my side rant right there.)

Anyways this is how she described her kind of therapy to me the day we met: She talked about a person's life like a tree. Often people seek counseling because they are producing bad fruit or branches. And counselors help them cut it off and learn how to live without that particular behavior/person/thought-patter/fill-in-the-blank. But instead of cutting off that particular branch or fruit, she likes to look at the root, and discover why that fruit and branch is growing in the first place. (How Biblical!)

Back to my massage. Another thing my masseuse mentioned was how I had some knots that are in the deep layer of under muscle. Well that's fun. So it's way down to where you can't even reach it. She also talked about how I have knots that are built upon knots. Joy. I think I probably knew that too. One of my personal favorites and most relatable quotes: "I would have to remove your arm to get to where I need to, that's where the problem is." YES! Finally someone understands my intense pain that makes me want to rip layers and limbs off to just to extract the knot out of my body! WE CAN'T EVEN REACH THE PROBLEM SPOT PEOPLE!

But as she's massaging, she found places I didn't even know were carrying intense knots and pain. But sure enough, there were giant knots of ugly torture hiding in random places. Apparently, those were the roots. Causing problems all over my body. I couldn't even feel where the problem started until she touched it. The hidden root shot pain and created other knots elsewhere, away from the base, trying to throw me off track and distract me from the real root of the problem.

Shoot just got real! I'm only a couple of weeks deep into counseling now, and have already discovered and rediscovered things about myself that I didn't know were issues. Fears, questions, doubts, insecurities I've pushed deep down, so far that I didn't even know they were there or causing other issues. Just like the knots, I've learned to live with them, until I've forgotten, or buried how it's effected me. And it's causing all these other problems or hurts or ways of thinking, and I don't even know where it's coming from. Knots upon knots upon knots.



I don't really know why I'm writing this. I think today was just such a clear physical picture for me of things I've been learning about myself recently. I just had to write it down because that's therapeutic for me. And I hope some of you can relate. And if you can't, it's because you won't let yourself believe that this is about you too. ;) If you can't relate or don't care about knowing a piece of my heart, I will end with this:

Pretty much nothing happens independently. Every single person you come in contact with is carrying a piece of their past with them. That's why they look, act, smell, talk, think, behave the way they do. Maybe they just woke up and they aren't fully engaged in the day yet - well they are carrying their bed with them! Or maybe they just got the news that the cancer spread. Or maybe they found out they got the scholarship. Or maybe someone just cut them off on the highway.

Not only are people carrying with them the past few hours, but some people carry the past few days. Or weeks. 

Or years. 

That's heavy, y'all. Heavy on hearts, and heavy on backs.

So remember that, the next time someone is a jerk to you, or is snarky at the drive-thru window. Every single moment they have been living so far has lead up to this very one - making them do and think and speak the way they do. Same goes for you. Cut yourself, and your back, some slack.